Born - From age zero, all I can remember are thoughts of family, playing, watching our favorite shows, warm Christmases.
Eventually we all come to the realization that life is not easy, not all people are good people, and that we will have to fend for ourselves.
With that realization, I started to become a very analytical person, picking apart everything people said, every thought that came to mind. This led to the question "Why are we here"?. I understand that just about every person on planet earth asks that question at one time or another, but I was obsessed with it at a very young age. I would lay in bed at night, eyes closed, trying to simulate what "nothing" would be like. Nothing, no planet, no people, no air, no space, no universe, no consciousness in any form, no anything. Is that possible?
Ignorance Shame - Deceitful people enter your life almost every day, it's the ones who stick around that cause the biggest problems. Ignorance is not a word that means stupid, or idiot, or any type of cut down. Ignorance simply means that a person has not been informed of a certain topic of discussion. Some people use this as a technique to hurt others. Keep them in the dark and they won't know what hit them.
What happens after the fact? The ignorant one becomes the expert, not by choice, but by force. Some choose to keep the tradition alive and go on to hurt more people, others choose to hide, a rare few choose to stand their ground and punish those who inflicted these mental wounds.
You Die - When surrounded by people you do not know, a crowd that expects something from you, even as petty as a head held high. Some of us are unable to cope with feeling small and insignificant, even more so if the few we do know, turn on us in order to camouflage themselves in with the majority.
There was a precise point in time that my first "demon" was born, he was aggressive when I was weak, brave when I was afraid, he is the one who warned them all to stay away or they would be shown the reaction to their actions.
From The Outside - Typical teenage rebellion, common early twenties arrogance..no, not this time. This was much different, especially in the eyes of those who knew me best. They are the ones who I seemed to love to hate. Taking out aggression on people you love, defying those who mean you no harm, it's all part of suppressed hatred for something completely different.
This is a short introduction to only some of the demons that have grown inside. An explanation of who they are and why they disguise themselves as my personality.
1000 Voices - All this negativity and analyzing lead to racing thoughts. This is what happens when your mind has lost the ability to turn itself off at night so you can rest. You think at such a high rate that it causes a constant adrenalin flow, even as you sleep, causing sleep to be a very short, very interrupted, very difficult and shallow experience.
Racing thoughts come by the thousands, every thought leading to ten more, eventually leading to staggering numbers. Not one of these thoughts gets a conclusion, making it imminent that each and every one remain in question and in thought for what seems like the rest of your life.
They Breathe - A horrifying thought comes over you at the point in time when you realize what is happening. You know there is no magic cure, there is not even a physical illness to take blame. This is the kind of thing that makes you pray for a "Yes" when you get tested for diabetes, or thyroid condition. Once enough medical doctors tell you there is nothing physically wrong, you then realize that this fight is only visible to you, only involving you and your mind. This is one of the loneliest feelings a person can experience.
No One Attacked - A panic attack can be described in many ways, depending on who is telling you about it. If it's someone who has never experienced it, then just walk away, they have no idea how severe these things can get. If you listen to someone who has had one, or even worse, who has them regularly, it's like listening to a horror novel on tape.
Relaxing and watching television, a feeling creeps up your spine so slowly that it might take hours, but you know it's there. You try to ignore it but it gets stronger by the minute. Then stronger by the second until you are questioning in your mind if you are ok or not. Suddenly the avalanche starts, as if something is chasing you, as if something has entered your soul and is eating you from the inside. You stand, sit, fall, crawl, fight, cry, laugh, mumble, all the while believing you are having a heart attack. Some even pray, or say goodbye to anyone that might be near. Confusion is dominant in your head, making you act on rash and illogical decisions.
As quickly as it came on, it goes away......leaving you startled, scared and thinking you are going insane.
Hypnosis - So many tests both physical and mental, everybody says there isn't anything wrong, I should just take a vacation. Those are the words of people ignorant to this disorder.
One psychologist was certain he could help with hypnosis, images of flowers, animals, peaceful settings.
Being hypnotized takes some help from the patient as well, they must be calm and clear their mind. Clear my mind?!
The War On Sanity - In the later years after knowing exactly what is wrong with me, it was easy to argue and fight with the demons inside. Of course, none of us ever won the fight but still I had to keep pushing them back or they would become me.
Nobody's Home - The two thousand yard stare; A phrase made popular in 1944 to describe the unfocused gaze of a traumatized soldier of war. Men who had seen too much, experienced more death and destruction than their mind can take.
People look on and say "the lights are on but nobody's home", I remember hearing that when I was a kid and thinking "how can a person get so screwed up that they don't care about looking like a freak in public"?
The Final Battle - Once you have all the information you need, all the ammunition against those parts of you that need to be sent back to hell, you can plan your final battle. This night will be different, this time I will call them out, ask them to join me, just make sure no one is around.
Welcome To Your Funeral - Each demon pleads with my rational brain to let him stay, it's the others that need to be killed. With each plea came the end of another demon. This was an extremely long fight, but a fight in which I grew stronger with every battle.
Imagine going to sleep in a cold, dark, war torn place, maybe under a bridge or in an old box. Then waking up in a home with the sun shining on you, clean air, and most importantly, a clear well rested mind.
I have learned what it takes to keep them down, keep the anxiety at bay and continue living my own life.